True Blue Island

22 years ago, the most defining event of my young life, aside from parental divorce and my brothers near death, again, occured last night.  October 21, 2001. It’s taken 22 years to process what I told myself to cope at that time —

Told myself :  I get to continue my life in honor of those, particularly Michelle, who can not continue theirs due to death or disability. 

She would want me to sing , dance, paint, hold the children close and raise them up because her spirit won’t ever get the chance to.  She’d want me to heal from gaping wounds and abandonment.  Shed want me to make the world more beautiful, to find peace, to ask for respect and love and longevity because she wasnt here to do just that thing.  Her spirit must be somewhere, trying to coax us to heal. Maybe she is the reminder that strikes us — unawares — we can learn because we’re still alive.  Maybe she doesn’t need a body to send signals . Maybe spirit given is what dawns on us.

Why do some people destroy their bodies and die slow painful deaths making life difficult for those around them?

Why do some people’s bodys just instantly get destroyed?

Those who die on impact  people are those who spare the people around them the tedious tasks of maintaining life where the channel for it has been injured and thwarted.

How difficult it is to see beautiful things wither and struggle to communicate and outright lay in a bed not really trying to or trying to in obscene ways.   How difficult it is to watch instantaneous destruction because there is an immediate hole and what the hell something was just there.  Are they better off being a person who is making space? We may want to hold on and for things to linger yet how much of that is pure purgatory?

How good it is to just die and be done with this life and onto the next , whatever next may be.  How many times do certain parts of the living die into their own life to survive ? We all have done it.

Loss and loving memories of what’s lost is what the living can carry and remember how to take care of themselves by. Loss of loved ones is difficult and the tears may not ever end for such things, yet, they just may, if we can find joy and gratitude in getting to live.  loving new things, second hand things, not just the old.  Seeking out the purpose of our lives, who else might be our friends and become family.  We have to take action, we have to try to figure out through mistake upon mistake Why we have them — our lives — and why we haven’t lost them here yet.

We loose what’s bad for us as much as we loose what’s good for us. Suffering isn’t something to hold it’s something to process, like water we aim to flow through, around, float on, and act more like something with substance. A cloud looses itself into rain… then the wind or some other invisible things makes it stop… falling apart heavy with its own consistency, being pushed down and apart, clearing a way for the sun.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference in a future opening and a stark forceful ending.  It takes real self awareness and saying No to a hell of a lot of feedback you get. Not everyone alive will get you. 

Sometimes friends and families get to stay together honoring each other in so many embraces and sights and sounds and services in this world .  Sometimes you just have to go it alone.

There is more to learn from the past( others struggles and scars) that can serve up gratitude for life — making it this far.   w  Sometimes it’s lighter than we think (a john cage reference) in physical matters. In spiritual matters its what was accomplished and learned in the time memories hold that sustain a decrease in presence. We are lucky if we can obtain presence again, bringing ourselves and all in tow to the table,  keeping our lives intact.

Sometimes it takes a couple decades to come to terms. 

This entry was posted on October 22, 2023 at 10:26 AM and is filed under Thoughts.