Today some trauma crept up on me in trying to communicate well this morning. Shitty things trapped in my brain that I tried to (not very kindly) dislodge in maybe the wrong (maybe the right) time and place. It’s hard for me to distinguish there being a wrong from a right place to get shit out. Mostly I don’t judge it, I just try to push it through. Still I want to respect others and myself, yet, shitting in spaces that I have also agreed are not for shitting in is just really shitty all around.
Queue the need to order a composting toilet.
And all my worries about money .
Then there was Naomis body hurt today . Her quads and her back. I think growing pains.
We decided between the two of us not quite feeling great where we were at, we would get moving and towards a piece of Micuccis pizza at that.
We leashed up Mercury and went for the ferri. Listened to a person with a bulldog of sorts who was really struggling with life (apartment burned down, five months sober today) and wanted to tell us his story as we sat with some kind friends on the ferri. Its really something what another person’s story can do to help you get out of your own way and let compassion for yourself and others rule.
In town we successfully got a piece of pizza and made it to the car where we park on the street to venture to the habitat for humanity restore. No paneling to be found. 4 hinges for $4 and a quart of paint Naomi and I both agreed was a really nice soft red with a chalky finish called “clay” was purchased for $12. $16 total material purchase 🍀.
Then across warren ave at home Depot, we priced out 1/2″ plywood boards (we would need to paint them white) to cover the insulation in our walls. $400 total for coverage, basically. I need to consult with a carpenter what the best vapor barrier would be.
Jesse called to see if my day got any better and I told him what we tried to research and he is who recalled I might want to double check with a carpenter as to what plastic would be best concerning the chance mold forming between cold outside wall and warm inside. if I seal entirely with plastic that might be asking for trouble and moisture to form. Maybe there’s a more permeable plastic material I don’t know about to use ? We figured Harvey might know And I hope to see him around somewhere soon to ask him.
He also wanted to suggest that there are really good talk therapists that could help me clear some festering wounds that really creep into my subconscious and I don’t have any way of stopping them. I try to retain my composure . I go all bottled up . And then sometimes just tears and tears and tears. And negativity . The trauma honestly creates disappointment for my kiddo, myself and Jesse when I can’t let my reaction to unpleasant scenarios go through me as if I was a window. Jesse and Naomi get it the worst and i know I make them upset when I’m sad. They are loosing patience with me not being able to escape the way the trauma emerges and scatters my goodness, getting us all stuck, as if I were a house.
From all common sense perspectives, I am more like a house than a window. Once I can stop being a house and I can turn this forthcoming 8’x16′ structure into a house, I think we will all really be T A L K I N G and the negativity will be that much further run off and meaningless. I will have a project that really matters to me to work on, to give Naomi and to be proud of and I will feel protected and not like the only layer of protection. There will be a small forcefield I make around me.
Can I talk myself out of subconscious detours and pitfalls this way? Avoid and hold on ? I’d sure as hell like to.
Going to keep on talking research , the work i have to do over the long haul + tiny house materials, design and land.
I could surely do without parts of history and trauma. This whole long haul is to rationalize and record decreasing, letting go of things, and do ing more, better, with less. Apparently, this whole transition towards a sovereign space is focusing on gathering building materials and letting go of excess baggage emotionally and otherwise. Because , in short, it’s all completely embarrassing.
Yes I will be the same person once we go through it. Albeit that much more secure and withdrawn from words and projecting any of the vicissitudes of life into the ether.
Love, good friends and family, safe space, focusing on Naomi, Mercury and work is the way .
P.s. stopped and vacuumed the car in town today !!!!
True Blue Island 
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