losing my religion
As of today, i began to admit to losing my religion. speaking to fellow members of my island community in passing on the ferri, with reserve, about what i have experienced as a contributing member of the local church. In short, i’ve become hyper-conscious that the church and sunday service is a front for a business. Albeit, a business of generating money for others and itself, yet, still a business and not necessarily the faith organization i once held dear.
Life is bigger than making money and being committed to the profitability of an organization that doesnt care or respect and trust all valid and contributing members. i need to withdraw all efforts and presence in that vacinity and draw a line between my family and those following private agendas and committees unaligned with what i value, what i teach, and what i know to be spiritually inspiring, safe and humane. in short, the religion i have been a part of has become a political scene and not the kind of harmless opiate for the masses that placates my sense of local or worldly injustice.
This isn’t the first time institutional structures have proved to be insufficient to my sense of justice and humanity. it isn’t the first time i have been at odds with what i am subject to or the powers that be. I have learned even with my work and input, as someone with a personal sense of authority, others with money or land or positions of power above me will distort and disregard valid perspectives and lives to cow-tow to the people with the money or the people who weild fear and create dischord and insecurity as the end all be alls. Those of us who have faith and who create and strive for harmony commonly are dismissed from what could be a fine spiritual center. In turn, letting the money and fear run the show, a hell hole is created instead of a place of peace and sanctuary.
i have witnessed this in educational, personal and religious environments now. how poor direction turns something structurally sound, something with great potential to provide for many, into a non transparent “private” manipulation of administration and in turn those being administered to. It is a matter of lazy leadership. Lazy in the sense of not standing up for what is right, Misidentifying or misrepresenting who is actually working, and also just making outright mistakes.
I am not a power hungry person. i will take a stage, however, im really more predisposed to being a lighting tech. so my experience is repeated – in relationships where i give money or volunteer energy to support others in a place i belong to — a place, or a body of people, students, teachers or members of a group. Not being at the receiving end of the money or well advised management, i end up at the whim of the integrity, or lack there of, of whomever may be at the helm or being used as a figure head by a (most often non transparent and non communicative) group.
Thus, i repeatedly learn the steep emotional cost it will take to stand up for what i believe is right in an institutional setting. the toll i pay to ask to pass disturbs my balance. i repeatedly learn that my trust alone is at a loss without the trust, integrity and clarity of those i work with or whom i may work for. Its my misplaced trust that i reel back toward myself once i realize, once again, the institution is cracking under leadership that doesnt look at for all invovled and is breaking down into a hell hole. ir is not a safe space for creativity. These lessons are a life long challenge for the part of me that wants to belong.
At best it gives me the impetus to define myself outside of them, on my own.
I will keep the faith and find the faithful where we belong.
i’ve said too much.
i haven’t said enough.
My religion turns to these daily installments. Writing of endeavors in the Long Haul preside in my thoughts and I turn to the computer to parse out what small steps have been taken today to bring us closer to our very own steady home on this island.
Lists are being compiled
Naomi and i just spent some time together searching out components to a mini-cottage; mini fridges (best buy has a most excellent mint blue retro version we both loved 19″wide and 34″ tall) 5 gallon water containers + a water dispensing pump that is affordable, tile and grout for what i imagine to be a base for a yet to be acquired stove. others tiny home design plans that we compare to our own with very little envy as we are partial to our own sense of space and design. + solar panels — that i have no real grasp on how many watts could power a mini fridge, some lights, a radio, and charge computer and cell phone.
i have not spelled out our plan of action or where we are now as we devise our next steps. These words are skirting the real meat and potatoes of a focused vision.
Still, now you know a dream of our very very own small space is being dreamed into existence and some of our drawings i hope to find and turn into photos to share how we imagine building out a 8’x16′ space. a live aboard bus sized space, only rectangular and insulated with door and windows and skylights…
SEEKING LAND.
True Blue Island 
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